i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
