matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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