Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
