I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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