my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
