Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
