thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize