chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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