i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Someone signed my nipple.
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