every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
