So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
