also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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