peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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