Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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