between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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