I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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