Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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