none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
