I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize