I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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