Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
