She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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