So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
