i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize