when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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