I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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