I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
