HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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