the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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