I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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