he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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