when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
