Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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