just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Threesome in a minivan. New low
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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