Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
