I didn't shave. On purpose
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
