Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
