I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
