My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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