man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
