They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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