This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
