I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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