I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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