Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
