apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
