I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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