I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize