ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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