I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
