Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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