i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
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