There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
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