Welp...herpes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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