I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
